Question:
I am a 45-year-old man who has lived with my wife for 20 years. She is very good to me, but I cheated on her in the first half of this year.
In March, I met and developed a special relationship with a girl in her 20s. My wife discovered this. After that, there was no peace at home for several months. During that time, my wife was always tit for tat with me, either blaming me or acting like the sky was falling.
Let me explain here, I was just mentally cheating, and I had no actual relationship with that little girl. Because firstly she refused, and secondly I also had concerns in my heart. After all, I have been married for so many years, and it was still a hurdle for me to do this kind of thing, so as long as she refused, I would just go along with the favor and not go any further.
By July, I stopped contacting that little girl and focused all my attention on my wife, but I didn’t expect that she gave me a “surprise”.
I am relieved, she cheated on me.
How did I find out? One day at the end of July, I couldn’t find her after get off work. When I called her via video call, she refused to answer the call. Then he sent me a message saying he didn't want to talk to me. At about 10 o'clock in the evening, he told me that he was at his best friend's house, and he also sent me a short video of him and his best friend lying on the bed playing with their mobile phones. At that time, I felt something was wrong.
Then I checked her living expense account and found that the expenses in the past two months have been extremely large, at least double the usual amount.
Reminiscent of the time at the beginning of the month that she went out for three days, saying that she was traveling to Sanya with her best friends. At that time, I called the video and saw that it was indeed the two of them in Sanya.
I asked her to talk to her best friend, and her best friend didn’t hide anything and directly confessed the matter. It turned out that there was a little boy traveling with him that day, and my best friend was just following him to cover him.
When I heard the news, I felt like I was struck by lightning. I was just playing around with it, but she came straight to it? I didn’t expect that it would happen. so. I asked her why, and she said if you do this kind of thing, why should women suffer? Now it’s even.
Then we quarreled every now and then for three days, and we continue to quarrel until now. Sometimes when we get into an argument, she just says we should leave. When I get angry, I really want to go along with her and leave. We all endured it, it’s not easy being together for 20 years.
I feel so uncomfortable. I have been under a lot of pressure in the past few years. The reason why I was like that with that little girl at that time was because I was under too much pressure and wanted to find a way to relieve my stress. I never expected that things would develop like this. For more than a month, the word divorce has been wrapped around my head like a curse. Whenever I get emotional, I feel like I hear her shouting at me about divorce.
I don’t want to go on like this anymore. Teacher, what should I do? How can I go back to the past with her?
Answer:
First of all, don’t divorce easily. Your current situation is just for your own mistakes. It's just a mistake to pay the bill.
You said that you have no actual relationship with a third party. From your wife’s point of view, can you believe this? Can you prove it?
Cheating is cheating. So her subsequent cheating is basically revenge, and she wants to get back what you owe her.
And haven’t you noticed that there is a considerable amount of macho thinking left in your mind?
Your entire narrative is full of evasiveness, consciously downplaying your own cheating behavior and focusing on your wife’s mistakes. Giving people a feeling of "I just cheated mentally, how could you break through the limit and still treat me with this attitude", do you feel that you are particularly wronged?
Especially the penultimate paragraph is revealing. The smell of sympathy, combined together, shows that you don't have much regret at all. You are just annoyed "Why did I accidentally let her find out", without reflecting on how much harm you have caused to your wife.
It can be said that your performance disappointed her and seriously damaged her trust in you. Then it is not difficult to understand that your wife cheated on you out of the same principle of revenge.
Therefore, what you should consider now is not to repair the relationship. The focus now is to reflect on your own ideological problems, correct your attitude and apologize to the other party seriously, and then rebuild trust after both parties forgive each other. We will discuss the possibility of repair later.
Good words stop here, good medicine tastes bitter, how much you can listen to depends on how much you are willing to accept.
