Question:
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months, and we have had more and more conflicts recently. She is very willful, and I have a strong desire to control her. Sometimes when she is not with me, I can't help but go to her and ask her what she is doing. So we often quarrel over trivial matters. What should I do? Is it worth continuing? But I like her very much and want to develop a long-term relationship with her.
Answer:
Brother, have you ever thought carefully about why she is not by your side? Want to find her?
Maybe you think this is a sign of liking and caring, but in the eyes of a girl, this is actually worthless behavior and may even arouse her disgust.
You have been in a state of "worry", worried that your girlfriend will leave your sight, worried that you will be abandoned, worried that your girlfriend will not love you anymore, and even worried that you are not interested in her. The relationship is not close enough.
These are all signs that you are not confident. It is precisely because you are less and less confident that your attractiveness will decrease and you will become more passive in love, causing your girlfriend to become even colder towards you.
Therefore, the first step you have to do now is to change from passivity to initiative. First, you must solve the problem of being too controlling. Although each of us has a certain desire for control, we all want things to go according to our own plans.
But we must also know that it is impossible to control everything, especially feelings. If the desire to control is too strong, the more the other party will want to break away, the more likely they will be without being controlled. Do some things harder when you are under control. Because she has been put under too much pressure by your desire to control, and she needs to release the pressure, or need a normal emotional life and appropriate space.
Of course, the release of pressure mentioned here does not necessarily mean "there is someone", and that's the problem. Boys who have a strong desire to control often worry about "there is someone". things.
Therefore, if you want to solve your own excessive desire for control, you must see the worries hidden behind your excessive control, and The buried emotions and emotions behind worry An example of this: When your girlfriend is not around you.
What you are afraid of right now may be "Is there someone outside her? Is she with another boy?" This is your worry. So behind the worry, your emotion may be "eager" or "angry"; your emotion may be "care" or "concern."
Then, what you have to do is to face the emotions caused by worry: for example, when you worry about whether she is with another boy, once the negative emotions generated at this time appear, What you have to do is to control yourself, reflect, and face your worries, because your worries are just "guesses" and "what do you think?"have to" This is a sign of distrust towards her. If there is no trust in a relationship, how can it be stable and long-lasting? Therefore, only by finding your fragility, helplessness, and weakness, facing it head-on, and accepting it, can you get rid of it. Get over it.
Trying to avoid feeling your own problems by controlling other people's problems is undoubtedly a lie to yourself. This is the source of the unhealthy relationship between you two today. When it comes to feelings, the more you force it, the more counterproductive it is.
One of the main reasons for being controlling is actually lack of self-confidence. Of course this is not the core and fundamental solution to the problem! So let’s go back to the root of the problem and talk about it. Why do we become the ones who go to the other party instead of letting the other party come to us? If we can make the other person come to us and make the other person worry about me, just like many wives and girlfriends worry that their husbands or boyfriends have some love affairs outside and surround each other every day, why can they take the initiative in this relationship? ?
Passive men have several characteristics:
1. No friends
< p> 2. Not very good at playing3. Don’t like to go out
4. Have no plans to go out with each other
5. Not much interaction (Including hobbies and circles)
6. Failure to guide the other party to integrate into each other's family system
This leads to a big problem. Once the girlfriend goes out to get together with friends or join colleagues, Friends’ activities, but at this moment you can only be bored at home alone, so all your emotional investment is in her. You are deeply afraid that your piece of cake will be targeted by others. The more afraid you are, the more emotional you will be and the easier it will be. A core problem for a boy who doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t know how to play is that he basically doesn’t have friends of the opposite sex around him, and there are no targets to choose from as a “spare tire” or if you break up, you have no life-saving straw! So this root You will please the life-saving straw like a lifeline, kneel down and lick it!
Just like when you have only one big client at work, you can only please her and take orders from him. This kind of customer relationship is reliable Is it? It’s difficult not to be passive in such a customer relationship, so when you have no life circle and she is your only choice, this is one of the main reasons for your passivity! Just imagine, if you have your own circle of friends and make appointments to hang out together every now and then. Sometimes you can take her with you, and sometimes you tell her that you are all boys this time and don’t bring family members. What will girls think at this time?
She will think: Are you secretly using the excuse of not bringing family members to fool me, but secretly bringing other young ladies to play with you? She will think: You guys went out to play. What if you don’t control yourself for a while and fall in love with other girls? She will think: I am alone.I'm so bored at home. Did you do anything sorry for me when you went out to play? Etc., at this time, one thing she is doing is emotional investment! Why is it said that love cannot be given too full? Why is it said that keeping a distance is beautiful? Why is it said that loving deeply has no good results? Because you did not let her make an emotional investment in you, making you her only "life-saving straw". This is the essence of the problem. !
If he goes out to play at this time, you can communicate normally at this time, exchange photos of the party, take pictures of what you are eating, and the other party will also send you some. Similar photos, so that you will not fall into the passive situation of wanting to understand and explore what she is doing and whether she has someone!
